Coping As a Parent
When you discover that your child has been sexually assaulted there are an array of emotions that you will endure. There is no certain way to feel or behave or respond and you are left with thoughts and feelings that you may have never dealt with before.
- Shock and disbelief: When you can’t accept what you are hearing or what you have been told and you search for other explanations, even mythical ones, to try and take away the reality of what you are being asked to believe.
- Being out of control: Where nothing feels like it used to and the ways you have coped with pain in the past see to have no usefulness for this trauma. And the weight of what you are carrying is smothering you and there is no conviction that you will have the strength to stop it overwhelming you.
- Outrage: When you start to take in and accept the brutal reality that your child has been sexually assaulted. And you feel a rage that you perhaps have never felt before as it burns through your body, causing your bones to lose their support of you and your head to crave release and escape as it pounds with the torment of questions and blame.
- Guilt: For not keeping your child safe and not knowing what was happening to them. For believing that you have let your child down as their protector, the person they should be able to tell if they are being hurt, should be there to always listen, to always understand what your child meant to say even when they don’t, should know their child so well that they should have guessed by their behaviour that something was wrong. Someone who your child should be able to rely on to know for them when people are unsafe and untrustworthy.
- Frustration: That he walks away and that others who believe him above her walk away and that the system that says this is a crime walks away and that you and your child can’t walk away from the feelings and behaviours caused by the abuse.
- Shame: That people now see you as a bad parent because they want to believe that sexual assault would never happen to a child with a good parent. So you keep away from so called good parents and you hide from others who don’t want to know and would never understand and you keep silent for how can you speak about this to those who can’t know.
- Fear: That you will see him or he will seek you out, or she will see him or he will seek her out and this thing that should never have happened could happen again.
- Grief: For the loss of what you thought would never be taken: the innocence of your child, your integrity as a parent, your trust in the world and your hope for the certainty of your future. If your child tells you that they have been abused it is important to be there for them.
It is Important to:
- Remain calm no matter how upset or angry you feel. Your child may be frightened by your reaction and believe that you are angry with them. If so, reassure them that you are in no way upset with them and that you are there to help and protect them.
- Tell them you believe them and no matter what anyone else says you will always believe them.
- Tell them it’s not their fault and the only person responsible for what happened is the person who abused them.
- Provide comfort and support by holding them and saying that you will keep them safe.
- Acknowledge how hard it must have been for them to tell but they were right to tell.
- If your child did not say anything but the abuse was found out in other ways remember how hard it is for a child to tell and comfort your child for having to be alone with that secret.
- Tell your child they have done nothing wrong. They may feel they are to blame for what happened and feel ashamed or guilty.
- Be honest with their questions and try to answer them honestly. Do not make promises you cannot keep such as keeping this a secret.
- Listen and let them say what they can at their own pace without any pressure to give more details.
- Contact people who will help. Contact the authorities and don’t approach the person accused by your child.
- Be sensitive to your other children-tell them what you consider appropriate and what they need to know
- Look at your behaviour through your child’s eyes-how you respond will affect your child.
Try not to:
- Panic and become angry. There is time for that later when not in front of your child.
- Don’t blame your child, criticise or get angry or punish them.
- Don’t challenge by asking:”Why didn’t you tell me?” or “Why did you not try to do something to stop it happening?”
- Don’t say things that might confuse them or have them agree with you because they are upset.
- Do not lie or make promises you can’t keep, such as you won’t tell anyone else.
- Don’t pressure your child to talk or give more details.
- Do not prevent your child talking about the abuse if she wants to in the hope she will forget about it.
- Do not talk about the sexual abuse constantly in the presence of your child.
- Do not confront you child’s abuser in her presence.
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