Looking After Yourself

If your child tells you that they have been abused it is important to be there for them but to so you need to have people to be there for you.

Get to know your body signs as emotions build up and your thoughts start to unravel. Do something before they take over. Get some space for yourself even for a short time. Visit a friend or relative or a neighbour. Use the phone or go for a walk. Do something practical. Don’t just sit still and let the pain take you over.
Keep plans short and simple. If you plan to do one thing for the day then try to do it. If you can’t do it on your own then ask for help.
Find support and don’t stay alone. Shutting yourself away from the world may protect you for a while but in the end will only keep you isolated.
Try to get back to your contact with other people not affected by the abuse and fight for normal things to return.
If people don’t need to know what happened don’t tell them and if they already know ask them what they want to ask you and then ask them to let go of it. Tell them what you may need as they may not know.
Support for being able to talk a about the impact of the abuse on you is vital and this may come from people close to you or perfect strangers. Other parents who have been through a similar experience will relate to what you are going through, both your feelings and also ways of coping. Seek them out or ask someone to find them for you.
Try to re-establish as much normalcy in your life and your child’s life as much as is possible. Unless it is a factor of safety, keep them in familiar routines such a going to school, having friends over to play, meal times and bath times and bedtimes. Let them stay in touch with people who support them such a friends of the family, grandparents and other relatives.
Don’t assume your child will have the same thoughts and feelings as you, especially about the offender. They may not be aware of the full meaning of what has happened to them and may even still hold positive feelings about the person who assaulted them. They may say they miss him or want to see him or believe that he is now a safe person and wouldn’t hurt them again.
At times the cost for the child or not seeing the offender, or other people who may be supporting him, feels worse than the abuse. In front of a pleading child it is hard to stay resolute but there is no option but to be clear to your child that the person who hurt them is not safe and you will not take that chance of them being hurt again.
Provide feelings of security and safety to your child by being close with them and letting them know that they can be close to you. Don’t withdraw because you are concerned that physical closeness may be frightening or confusing for them. They may feel there is something wrong with them or they are being punished or you don’t feel the same way toward them.
Take cues from your child of what is comfortable for them, judging that comfort by how they respond and talk to you. If your child is staying with you, even if they are silent, then this is saying they are at ease. If a child seems satisfied with a response from you and then walks away, let them go. If not then they may come back and ask again or seek that cuddle at a late time.
Don’t think of your child as damaged or as someone who will never be the same. Trust their own ways to deal with what has happened and be there to support them and guide them. Don’t let the abuse put a barrier between you and your child.
If you have other children they will be part of this also. They need reassurance about what is happening, with their questions honestly answered. They will also have a view about the offender which may be the same as you or could be very different and they need time and space to talk so they can work out their thoughts and feelings.
It is important to inquire about their own relationship with the offender especially if there may be a possibility that they were also abused. They may hold blame for not protecting their sibling and it is important to instill in them the truth of what has happened and where responsibility lies.
Trust yourself and not let feelings of blame or failure take you over and make you forget all the strengths you do have, especially your relationship with your child.

An Extract From A Hand to Hold, Rosie’s Place Pub.2003

I know it wasnt my fault.
For a mother to say this about herself there is usually a long and painful process of questioning, grief and longing about how things should be, compared to how things are.
If a mother can give herself reprieve from self blame, the journey of recovery, as well her child and family will be more assured.